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| THE FRAY LYRICS
How To Save A Life
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
This song has taken on new meaning to me. Saturday one of my girls stole a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol, and took the entire thing Saturday night. Since I am off on Sunday mornings, I volunteered to go with her to the hospital, and ended up spending the entire night there with her, talking and just being. She initially said she did it to kill herself... her second carried out attempt in less than a year... so she was admitted to the mental hospital next door for observation. I took Sunday evening off to rest (since I was up all of Saturday night), so I went with Craig and Joy, the house parents to visit her at the hospital Sunday evening. The girl returned to us yesterday. She was obviously still having a difficult time, so I tried to give her a little extra attention. When I put the girls to bed, she started crying, and I asked her what was wrong. She said she didn't know. I asked her a few questions, trying to get something out of her, but all I got was I don't know and tears. I asked if she was going to be alright, and she said she didn't know, and that she was scared of herself. So, I told her to come out and talk to me after I put the others to bed. She came out, and we spent the next hour and a half talking... some deep stuff, some random, fun stuff, nothing specific, just talking until she was tired enough to go to sleep. She really opened up, and was completely honest with me. As we talked, I could just feel her defenses dropping. She told me it really hurt her to hear people say she was just doing it for attention... because really she was. She was crying out for attention... someone to step in and help her. The entire time we talked, I had the above song running through my head. If I had sent her to bed with the others, would she have done anything? I don't know, but I wasn't about to risk it. I know I complain a lot about the stress of my job, but just now, as I step back and really reflect, I am blown away by the awesome opportunity I've been given. This is what I have been created for. This is why I was placed on this Earth. Everything up to now has been preparing me, and molding me into the person I needed to become. It is so overwhelming to think that God, the creator and ruler of everything, create me for such an important ministry. What an honor to know that He has entrusted me to such an impactful position, and has equiped me to do it. ..."Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:1-2 For the first time in my life, I can honestly say and mean, with all my being, that God is Awesome, and I have purpose. | | |
| In less than an hour, I will be 24. Wow. Happy Birthday to me. | | |
| Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on here. I don't really use this anymore... obviously... but it's 1am, I slept all afternoon, I don't have to work tomorrow/today, and I have nothing better to do, so I might as well give an update for anyone who may possibly still read this... if anyone ever really did. Anyway... Life's been crazy as ever. It's amazing how things that seemed unheard of just a few months ago have become the norm in my life. I mean, never in a million years did I think I would be living in a house full of teenage girls, which is a level of drama in and of itself, but on top of that, they're "troubled teens" which makes for more drama than Broadway. Wow, who would have ever thought. And don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it's such a struggle in every way imaginable. If I did not know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is where God wants me, I would have given up long ago, and gone back to my old job. Yes, it was also high stress, but compared to this... it was NOTHING! I also made about twice as much at my last job, and I had time to have a life, and I had people around to spend time with outside of work. Now, work is my life, and I feel like I live in a bubble. The only time I see or talk to anyone outside of this place is on the "weekends" that I go home. I feel like I have been completely cut off from the world outside of NHA. Imagine how that will be if I go to Canada this summer... where the nearest town is more than an hour away. Hmm... ten weeks of woods, roughing it, and only NHA people. I think the only way I'll go is if I'm offered a low student interaction position, like in the office or kitchen. I need some downtime. It has been a LONG six months! So, I guess today was Valentine's Day... whatever. I've grown to dispise the "holiday". It's pretty much a stupid Hallmark holiday... unless you're in a relationship, which obviously I'm not. Anyway... I better go. It's about 1:30am, and my tiredness just hit. If you read this, leave a message and let me know how things are going for you. | | |
| Situation (somewhat) fixed... all is fine, and it went much better than expected. | | |
| Sometimes I just feel so inadequate for my job... right now being one of those times. I just found out something that I have no idea how to handle. It's one of those things that you have to do something about because your an authority, and it's your responsibility, but you don't want to deal with because it's hard, and the initial outcome is going to be unpleasant. It's like telling on your friend... you know you have to do it because their actions are harmful to theirself and/or others, and because you want to help them, but you know they're not going to see it as that. You don't want them to think you're turning on them. I really don't know what to do. I feel heartbroken, disappointed, betrayed, played, naieve, stupid, ignorant, blind, discouraged, burdened... It's like, you think things are finally starting to turn around - like for once, there is more good than bad. Then, from out of nowhere, reality jumps back in the picture and slaps you across the face. It's moments like this that you wonder... why am I actually here, what am I accomplishing, have I actually done anything worthy of the emotional turmoil I put myself through... and you just want to crawl into a corner and give up. And it's not even the fact that I was shocked/hurt to find out something like this. It's just the fact that you get to know someone, and you think they're being honest and real, and then you find out the truth. I have been so honest and heartfelt and vulnerable only to have it shoved back into my face like... ha, I made you see that, so I can get away with this. I guess some people are just good at pretending and playing the game. I feel like such a dumb ass, like why didn't I see it? Or did I see it, and just chose to ignore it? My heart feels so empty right now. It feels like it's being smashed and twisted, and drained of every last bit of whatever... I am crushed. Words cannot even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings I have right now. And I don't know what to do... | | |
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